Emma

being 22

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:19:27 GMT

the conclusion shall be...pretty much sux
you're at this point where you feel frustrated
stuck in "limbo" in a sense
you feel like you are at this age where you should feel you have accomplished something
SOMETHING
ANYTHING?
so technically ..i suppose i have..finished my AA
but to be honest at this point..as i was telling b
i don't even feel like sharing that piece of info b/c i feel embarrassed..ppl tell me i tend to be too hard on myself
but i can't help it. i just wish i would be one of those that did the four years and are now done and have their career in order.
sure, i could look at the reality of that and see that many if not Most 22 year olds are just where i am
and i am not alone in this horrible stressful feeling.
And that, actually, those who even are done are either doing their 9 to 5 & are facing new and different challenges...and are they even...at all ..happier than i am?
the fact is, this is life, if it's not one issue its another.
Maybe those who are done, are now trying to figure out how to move up in the company, if this is Really what they would like to be doing..or maybe worse, they could be out of a job.
with the economy right now, there could be many graduates w/out a job, which in a way can be seen worse b/c most of those people are the ones that have to swallow their pride and move down a couple steps in the business world and i feel that sometimes that is the worst.
or there are worse low lives out there.

today i was called back by longs- not downtown watsonville where i stayed for so long b/c i love my coworkers, i like the atmosphere, and sometimes i even love those crazy ass customers lol
i like the ghetto longs
i obviously hadn't stayed there for so long for the pay...so i liked it
however, i fucked up and told mary that i was willing to work at the other..
but was i?
what was i thinking.
i wasn't.
problem was i made that decision while in this anxious mood swept w/in me. thoughts such as, "take what you can, this economy sux," or "ppl are having to swallow their pride and take jobs like these" & the most effective, "dude, dependence vs. independence, it may not be much, but it's Something."
i just want to feel somewhat productive..but in the end...is this small amnt of productivity going to effect the outcome of my long term goals?
right before i went off on what was somewhat of a "job search day," my dad told me i shouldn't be stressing over $. i should be taking this time to relax and Really figure out what it is i want to do.
but the fact is, i think me having this "free" time, is stressing me out more than me having no time would... i don't know if this is because i am too used to juggling more than anyone should.. or i don't know if this is b/c i am not actually spending enough of my time thinking about this. these both could very well be my problem... fact is, lately i've been such a girl! spending way too much time with someone i'm really beg. to care for and not enough time on me.
and unfortunately i'm the type of person that could very well be alone for a loong time b/c i usually Always have something to do, or could be doing.
i barely ever could say, "i'm bored" or when i do, it usually hardly Ever means i have nothing to do
'cause although i'm bored i usually have a long list of things i could very well be working on or should be working on
like today, i have sooo much to do
but unfortunately, i have way too much on my mind to even begin.
it kills me when people do this, but sometimes we really can't help ourselves.
every time i think about everything i have to do. i feel overwhelmed, panic, and just don't want to even think about it.
and in the end. if i wasn't spending so much time w/ this person or some other person, i'd be feeling so lonely, then that would be my prob...make sense?
the fact is, i have come to terms with the fact that "everybody needs somebody"
and at the moment, this person is just making me happy for the time being, and i'm extremely appreciative of this. it's good to have someone good in my life.

also, on that note, it's good to be back!
i mean, i haven't really spent too much of my time w/ that many people since i have been, but it's been good. i'm not really looking to fall right back to the same patterns as before. i'm not really looking to see the same faces as before.
i suppose the way i'm going about this is, if we're good friends then YOU and i will make the effort to reach one another and get together, but if you really don't make the effort to..then how good of friends are we anyway? or does it really matter then?
i dont know. all i know is that i'm happy to be back. it feels good.
not saying i didn't absolutely looove sd b/c i did
just sayin i don't regret comin back or leaving =]
when i think of this
i think: life is good.

unfortunately when i look at the mess i stand in front of ... i cringe
life as a 22 year old... if it's meant to be so, long road ahead: here i come...
i just hope my mistakes get a bit less regretful?
please? lol
i guess the best i can hope for is more laughter and more love to come my way

=PwE

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:29:48 GMT

so i think i'm finally getting over him..
i think i'm realizing that maybe i was never "under" him
i think ..maybe it was the lonelyness making me hold on to something unreal...
?? idk..either way it feels good to feel free
anyhow, lately i've just been going out
having fun with friends
lorena of course lol and more
it's been cool
the other day the girls and i got together to catch up
ugh =/
i hate getting tog with them sometimes because it's a whole different world
i mean dont get me wrong..i loved it and i insist we do it more often b/c they're really important to me
but i hate it .in the sense that it's like a reality smack..
for example, i feel like they're all doing something with their lives
they've either graduated from college
have their BA AA or some degree or will have one in like a month or so
they have goals for the future
i feel like a kid
especially compared to them
i feel like a lost kid
aimless...
i mean Now i feel like i'm going to do something...but it's going to be a couple months of pointless struggle
just experiencing life in a different environment...
idk.....then, there's that question..."jen..is there anyone in the picture" type of deal...ugh and they just haad to ask it in such a "good time" lol
my mom was in the garage and i know she heard that one
she prob. felt bad for me and didnt want to rub it in...she had just given me a hard time about this just the other night
"what! what is it that you are looking for in a guy!...that guy likes you and he's cute..he seems responsible! what is it?"
lol dude! ah!

nope... no guy...but what i hate the most is that
for the most part i'm ok with this
b/c if i think about it
i don't feel like i'm ready for the whole serious relationship quite yet
i still feel young and i still feel like i need to experience the dating scene for as long as i can while i'm this age
i dont think i even want to find "the one" until i'm like 30 or something
and i hate that everyone finds this sooo horrible
..i thought the times had changed...but i guess not
i feel like everyone is worried for my security
security to them= a man who has more than i have going for themselves...
i feel like i'm worried about my security
security= my career/ my success
but i mean...of course i get lonely
and of course i want someone too! but idk..in the end i just want to have fun while i can and just live it up for as long as i can
single....
whats soo wrong with this... ??
=/
idk..but Everyone!!! lately seems to be reminding me of how old iam (everyone keeps telling me i'm old! wtf!?? lol) and how i have no one holding my hand (no one being a man...)
dude
wtf?
FUCK YOU! ha

-looking forward to next year
-looking forward to xmas
-trying to stay posi about everything =]

random

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:53:04 GMT

sometimes i just want to give everything up..
the other day i had a huge epiphany and almost dropped out. hahaha so dumb. lasted for like a min.
then told myself to shut the fuck up. ha
idk.. sometimes i wonder if i'm actually working towards something. watch i get my BA in SW and end up doing something like hair.. ha
man.sometimes i wish all i did was work and get paid
at least ppl who have full time jobs are really reaping up the benefits at the moment..
summer time for them = party! camping! and more fun stuff!
for me its just = more hard work= my goal: to get $
what usually ends up happening during my summers is quite funny.. i decide i want to take a semester off and ponder on my thoughts... registration time comes along and i'm trying to sign up for school and begging my parents for the $ for the fee.. haha i'm so lame. i freak myself out all the time. i'm so over myself it's ridiculous. my fam. is right i'm too over dramatic. it's quite annoying i know. It's so sad, lately, sometimes i annoy myself so much i rather just not hang w/ anyone else so that i don't have to hear myself.
i guess that's another great thing about sk8ing
when i sk8 i dont think about anything else
plus the guys there are real chill and tell me to shut up and sk8
so it's good motivation x] ha
shit i miss being at the sk8 park
haven't gone for a couple days now
just worked on hw, felt sick and worked
=/ life ....
things should be looking up soon..
i hope
shit i hope i pass my classes and figure out exactly what i want to do SOON
fuuuck i hate CSUMB sometimes

today..

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:46:22 GMT

it's been ok .. haven't done a bit of hw. went to work. went to sk8 for a bit.. it was pretty fun. i saw all my coaches today =] it was awesome. too bad i didn't do so great but w/e it was still fun ......

i wish i had more time to sk8 and just have fun. =/

ugh. missing having someone..

yesterday..and last night

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:30:20 GMT

so yesterday was kind of shitty... i didn't really know what to do during the day, i really didn't want to do anything responsible though ..or productive...
i went to sk8 for a bit ...and i couldn't drop in again =[
i was really bummed about that...
josh and i went to go develop his olld pics..
there were some old cute pics of me and al. =[
we tried going to my house and work on my hw...
found out i had an assignment due yesterday (on my spring break!So ridiculous!)
fuck! i'm soo sick of this... yup..i cried =[
but i at least have good friends to remind me that.. it's ok.. it's not the end of the world
we drove out to have fun
i stopped by the bank... didn't realize i was negative =[
damn it! yesterday sucked. but in the end.. i at least had my friends..<3 they really helped

Last night. was soo fun again though. The boys gave a flamboyant dance off. hahaha soo great
then we took off for a walk to downtown at like 1am or something and ate =[ (ugh..'cause that's what i need! =[ fuck oh well..)
i would never normally play ding dong ditch, but i just wanted to make the walk a little funner and when i feel taken care of <3 i feel more daring =] anyway, i only did it to one house or two =]

it was hilarious watching miguel run away from us so fast! hahaha

anyway, time to face reality...
back to the hw..
='[

ugh..

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:05:06 GMT

being alone.. is so lonely ='[

someone hold me =[

i need a break from responsibilities...this life in general. i need to get away for a while =[

Although, last night was a blast x ]
... it still doesn't change the facts........
i'm pretty alone...

spring break

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:57:22 GMT

So...So far it's been awesome, except for right now. WTF! WHAT'S THE POINT IN GIVING ME A SPRING BREAK IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GIVE ME ENOUGH PROJECTS/ASSIGNMENTS/HW'S TO TAKE CARE OF ME! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS SEMESTER'S A BITCH....
ENOUGH ABOUT THAT THOUGH.

So, So far highlights:
I DROPPED IN @ THE SK8 PARK!!! FUCKEN FUN!!!
P+ IN BERKLEY, FUN (Except for not seeing eskapo and for feeling over full =/)
Green Beer was sick and same with the apricot and the ride back was fun as well.
Last night was sick too, Moon Cadillac played at the youth center <3
Yuup... that was it..
unfortunately after that....nothing good..
i'm working on spanish hw.
i want... i want to go to set your goals, but i just found out about this...
so i don't think I'm going 'cause it's srsly far...

psh! i hope the rest of my week goes well. I HATE SCHOOL! =[ It's ruining my life

I LOVE SHOWS X]
W/ OUT THEM ...THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE X P

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 18:20:27 GMT

crazy dream. Point: right before i awoke i was in the middle of hydroplaning like craaaazzzzyyyy!!!!
Scary

a bit better

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 05:00:07 GMT

So yesterday I went to my internship. It was much better than the rest of the days. I think it was better just because I was usually with the other intern and that made things a bit more comfortable than being the only one. Plus, he even drove, so that was sick, but now i owe him lunch or something. My favorite part was getting to meet some clients and co-facilitating. That was the best. Those guys really made me laugh. I swear I really need to grow up. I'm soo freaken immature. Oh well, the way I see it is.. I've go the rest of my life to grow up. =]
Anyway, this past week has been intense. I finally broke down the other day, and the day after was fucken my fuck it day. i was pissed the whole time and i just got shit done as fast as i could. then thursday i had my internship, came home and was a couch potato 'till today around mid day. I finally got to exercise. felt soo good!but then had to run to monterey to get some other things done. came home watched tv w/ my family and now i must get to doing some spanish. god i swear, i wish that at least i would be able to say that i'm doing really well in my classes. sad part is that i really can't. I'm actually doing really horrible in all my classes and I'm always working on hw! it just doesn't seem fair. Tomorrow, i have work in the morning, and i'm supposed to go on a date. but i don't know what's going to happen. My partner might need to meet with me for our presentation. damn priorities. I hate it 'cause apart of me feels lonely and wants someone, but then the other part of me is all about priorities. to be honest sometimes i just wish my support system was back to the way it used to be. I know i've got to keep in mind everything that went wrong in the past...but i can't help but think of all the good that was there as well...fuck i miss it/him.

FUCK IT

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 00:35:37 GMT

I don't mean to complain so much, but at this point i srsly don't give a fuck. this is my stupid ass live journal and if that's what i want to do...then that's what i'll do...
anyhow, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK! i srsly just want to be shot in the head at the moment. I SRSLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS STUPID PUBLIC HEALTH CLASS. ALL I WANT TO DO TODAY IS: GO TO A GOOD SHOW, SK8, PUNCH SOMETHING, DRINK, HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS, FORGET ABOUT MONEY PROBLEMS, FORGET ABOUT SCHOOL, FORGET ABOUT FAMILY PROBLEMS, SOCIAL ISSUES, FUCK NATIONAL ISSUES, I DON'T FUCKEN CARE! I WANT TO HAVE A FUCK IT DAY/ BRAIN DEAD DAY, I NEED A DAY OFF.
and i need to to get away..
as horrible as this sounds, i want some time off from everything and everyone. I Want to pass out at some beach for days straight, until i recover.

lonelyness

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 07:10:28 GMT

so everyone Always says, "you could do better..." I say, "show me better"
I miss love

random thought

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 10:26:14 GMT

i think it's kind of funny how...someone can, at first, (sometimes)think you're perfect. beautiful, interesting...etc. and this can last for a while...then some time goes by and say, the two become an item...then it all changes... they begin to pick at each others' flaws...sometimes some you never saw as a flaw at all, but then you become to think it really is a flaw....
everyone thinks, everyone is perfect in the beginning...why can't it just stay that way? why are we not just satisfied with the what we have? why is it that we always have to kill somethings that can be so good.
sooo random. i don't even know how i began to think about this. but w/e...
this weekend has been ok. i'm quite proud of myself because i actually sacrificed a lot =[ to be responsible and get my shit done. My family went to universal studios and disneyland. my sister had a cheerleading comp =[ i wish i could have gone. and there were several awesome parties i heard about for tonight. and there were some good bands playing. all good, awesome, fun opportunities, oh yea and i had a date! =] damn it! my life is on pause, until i can actually have time to live it (and i can't believe i'm saying that) but i guess it's not too bad. i feel good. I exercised, conditioned my hair, did some hw, went to work(earned some $, prob. not much, since it was only 4hrs anyway, but hey it's something)and came home, ate, procrastinated like a mother, but eventually got one assignment out of the way. wohoo! i'm proud! =] Oh yea and friday was super fun too. went to my internship. came back, got a bunch of salads from miyukis (like an idiot! lol wayyy too many for me) bought some wine coolers and had a nice hw party with lorena. it was actually really fun. i'm glad to have a friend who's on the same page as me. I love that we could not only be study buddies but party buddies too =] anyway, i hope to party soon. SPRING BREAK WOOWOOH sooo ready for you!
ps. just a note, so that i don't forget in like 89238 years from now.=] BUILT TO SPILL WAS AWESOME! went w/ geno and had an awesome time!!<333

the purpose?

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:05:06 GMT

always searching for that permanent high................
i know i'm just setting myself up for a huge disappointment.

modest mouse...

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 05:38:04 GMT

And I am doing the best that I can..
And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around

I'M JUST DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN and sometimes it just feels like it's not enough...
i can't wait for this all to be over...
it's really hard to keep your head up when everything keep pushing you down...
but i know i'll be alright... even when it feels like it's not ...
it has to...

mistakes 2008

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:50:32 GMT

alright, so yesterday was a really tough day for me in general. Lately, as positive as I've been trying to be about everything...life can challenge me very much... ..and it has, as always, recently...
so lately, not only have i been dealing with girl stuff, but I guess i hadn't realized how much the 3rd year anniversary to the accident has been affecting me lately...
lately, i've been receiving many different types of reminders of this... and not only am i dealing with these emotions..and the girl thing, which is basically PMS, if you didn't already get that... but iam also dealing with school, social relationships and myself as always... as if this isn't enough...
yesterday, was by far my last straw.. i came home and received an unfortunate news...and whats worse about it ...is that it's all my immature fault...
i vented ...as i am doing now.. i vented online...and as many know..this is Never the wisest choice...but lately..i haven't really seen many close people...and just needed to let somethings out...
unfortunately, when many things are going on ...sometimes you concentrate on one thing...or maybe it's not even that
but you attack many different subjects, and well the last entry i did...really hurt ppl that i didn't want to or mean to hurt.... i really can't believe that i have messed up so bad ...i really can't get this off my head..
my heart feels shattered and my mind feels like it's all over the place and this is all because of circumstance and my actions....
now, i must separate this and make this a bit clearer...
well obviously, many ppl read my blog on my space and it was a copy of my livejournal. something that was so personal and really only for the friends eye, but unfortunately, a family member read it and saw a side that i'm sure they really didn't know existed in me...but although everyone has an ugly side. i really don't think that was it..and this is because i really only use that side when i really loath someone and i really don't loathe these ppl at all. i can't. i love my family overall and i didn't mean to hurt this particular side and it really really hurts me that i have done so so unintentionally. i really was just venting and when people vent they vent differently with different ppl and srsly if i were them i wouldn't take it so personally (and iam NOT saying that they are being over dramatic or anything of that sort because i Really don't blame them at all! because i used some strong language and it's really unacceptable, i know.) just because ...please be reasonable and think back..think back to a time that one of you has used such aggressive angry language in a moment of frustration and anger and didn't really mean it overall, but the fact is that we have all done it! even if it was once. we've all been guilty of the angry mouth vomit. and i'm sorry for the consequences of mine. it's really hurt me to know that this angry word vomit has spread out like some plague and damaged many good hearts. I'm not sure if anyone can even understand this venting word vomit, but i really hope that you are all At least receiving the gist of this letter and that is THAT I AM TRULY REALLY SORRY ♥ I really can't think back to a time when i really felt angry to a point where i really wanted to hurt someone intentionally (especially a family member) even in times of "war." ...
anyway, i hope someday you all will be able to forgive me,
Jenny Olivarez
I mean my apology with all my heart and i really hope this gets to the proper eyes this time and i really hope you can forgive me because this is eating me up. i'm not asking for your sympathy. I'm just asking you to understand where this came from and how this came about and i'm hoping everyone will someday be able to forgive me for the damage that i have 'caused. i really can't say it enough that i am truly embarrassed, ashamed and saddened by my actions.

horoscope

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 20:29:58 GMT

"no man becomes rich unless he enriches others"
This year you've whirled through dramatic events and down unexpected sidepaths, suffered letdowns to high hopes, took a bumpy ride in a close relationship and may have been rejected by people you thought supported you. You made a huge shift in direction-perhaps in career or living arrangements. You also dealt with health issues (yours or another’s) and had to assume responsibility for a needy person. And financially, this year has been a veritable roller coaster. Life has indeed resembled “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” Yet you handled it. What’s more difficult is how disheartened you felt that you kept stepping up to the plate for other, yet they didn’t for you. However, you often play the role of lone soldier. You were born to give birth to new situations often springing from the ending of something that needs revival, has served its purpose or failed. And through the stressful challenges you faced this year, you learned a basic lesson: action dissolves anxiety. Like building muscles by working out, you increased you psychic-emotional energy through action. You created change and made things happen and thrived from these high achievements. Having come so far, shed so much and opened yourself to so many new people, you arrive at the end of 2007 ready to break free and declare you independence. You’re at a fascinating leaping-off point. And due to what you’ve learned (mostly about money and utilizing your charisma with people), you’ll put into play a plan you’ve dreamed about for a long time.

updating while procrastinating....

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 07:49:16 GMT

lately:
hmm.. al's b-day was a lotta fun =]] Jumping house, party, presents for days ( no really) got our baby =],Later relay for life w/ l, jaz, and dav =]
im back at longs=> boss hates me now...back at low wages=> broke as hell
back in school=> better than desk all day =]
except for having 0 time for life
work+ school+ full time g/f+ part time sister + part time daughter+ part time freind = really tired jen
Lots of hw. bombing it. hard...
service learning class is fun and interesting.
crocodile hunter died =[
my car got broken into =[ i killed the sons a bitches
and got my self a new car ; ]
i've been driving w/ no music => pretty sad =[
missed geno's b-day =[ im sorry i love you
not in eventcore anymore =[
soon to get a new bed =]]]
b's almost due and im praying for her b/c its really hard right now =/ i really wish everything was ok..
i talk to her now = a big +
she had a crazy baby shower. i missed most of it but caught the ending. that kid will have something new to wear each day of the year.
got to catch up with karla and ill hopefully see jen this weekend =]
and im...reallly tired..
ps. i really do wish i were asleep with al. instead of doing hw... too bad..

LAST DAY OF WORK, FINALLY

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 17:04:39 GMT

YESSSSSSSS IM SO EXCITED. SO TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK AT VPS. RIGHT NOW IM HATING LIFE THOUGH 'CAUSE IM REALLY SLEEPY, BUT O WELL. THIS WILL BE THE END OF IT. YESSS 8]
IM SO EXSTATIC ABOUT THIS! I CAN HAVE A LIFE AGAIN. IT'LL BE EASIER TO STAY IN SHAPE AND NOT TO BECOME SO BORED AS EASILY.
HECTICNESS SHALL RETURN PRONTO, BUT ITS BETTER THAN BEING HERE HALF ASLEEP EATING EVERYTHING FOR ENERGY.

SPEAKING OF ..IM HUNGRY HAHA
WELL THIS WEEKEND WAS PRETTY FUN. EVENTHOUGH IT HAD ITS EXTREME SHITTYNESS TO IT ALSO, BUT THAT'S LIFE RIGHT?

WELL I WONT TALK ABOUT THE SHITTYNESS 'CAUSE THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW.
ANYWAY, FRIDAY SPOKE TO (A) OVER THE PHONE AND AIMEE AND I WENT OUT FOR SOME *$'S AND THEN WENT TO MUSIC MADNESS. IT WAS FUN.
THEN IT WAS A GIRLS NIGHT TO CELEBRATE BRI'S RETURN. WELL FOR THE WEEKEND. SHE LEFT SUNDAY. =[ BUT IT WAS SOO MUCH FUNNN =]
WE TOOK PIX. WATCHED TV AND JUST GOT A LIL...CRUNK. I WAS SURPRISED THAT I DIDN'T GET TOO BAD 'CAUSE I HAD A 40 AND SOME. I MISS HAVING BRI AROUND AND KARA CAN MAKE ME LAUGH.
FOR THE MOST PART THIS NIGHT WAS PRETTY FUN.

SAT: UGH!!!! EVERYONE FOR SOME FUKEN RSN WANTED TO FUKEN WAKE ME UP! I GUESS THAT'S MY PUNISHMENT HUH? UGH! FUGGERS~! WELL (A) KEPT CALLING ME AND WANTED ME TO PICK HER UP BUT I WAS EXHAUSTED. SHE DIDN'T QUITE GET THAT SO SHE ENDED UP COMIN TO MI CASA ANYWAY, CUTE BUT I WAS SOO TIRED AND GRAUGY. THEN MY COUSINS DECIDE TO COME OVER. W/E I WAS UP(SORTA). CLEANED MY ROOM, FINALLY, THEN WENT TO PICK UP AIMEE. AIMEE AND I WENT TO SC AND CHILLLED. PRETTY FUN. BOOKSTORES,WALKING, COFFEEE, TOOK A NAP ON THE BEACH, ETC.
THEN CHILLED W/ AL FOR A WHILE. FINALLY ♥
SUN: UGH! HAD A BAD DREAM =[ WOKE UP AND HEARD MY FAMILY ALL GATHERED FOR BREAKFAST, FINALLY MY MOM NOTICES IM NOT THERE AND COMES TO CALL ME. ANNOYED AT BREAKFAST, BACK TO BED. WATCH "AMERICAN HISTORY X". TALK TO AL. CLEANED. GOT READY FOREVER, WHILE WATCHING "HOW TO DEAL." WENT TO AL'S. ATE REALLY FAST. HAD TO TAKE MY UNCLE TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAYED THERE WITH MY GRANDMA FOR A WHILE. IT WAS HORRIBLE TO SEE MY UNCLE LIKE THAT. REALLY SCARY. =[
WENT TO ALS. HUNG OUT ♥
WENT TO THE SHOW. HAD FUN.
YEA! FUN WEEKEND.
HAVE ONE DAY OFF TOMORROW.THEN BACK TO WORK? UGH =[ LIFE!FUK YOU TOO!
~HAHA <33333333333333333333333333

MY HOROSCOPES ALWAYS TOO ... ON It?

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 15:43:18 GMT

Overview:
You can't control the world, but you can control what goes on inside your own heart and mind. Resolve to be the best you can at all times and forgive yourself for everything else. Your mood will improve.

You and your sweetheart are in a deadlock over a long-standing emotional issue. Don't quit -- believe it or not, you two are going to come out of this ahead. The tension is about to turn into something quite different

Finally Waking up and it feels Fuking Good <3 8]

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 18:31:35 GMT

HAHAHA
YEA.. ITS JUST SO HARD W/ OUT HER...idk.. after she passed my sister had told me: "maybe.. srsly jenny .. i Really think that one of the purposes for tammy in this world was You... She changed you soo much. Before her you were hardly happy, you didn't really have any freinds, you thought you were really ugly, you.. you weren't happy. Then after you met Tammy you were always happy, going out, and you felt better about yourself, you dressed up more, etc."
and i think its true.
Tammy taught me so much ... just by being my freind. No one is as lucky as i to have met such a good person.. <333 i have soo much to thank her for.
And i really just have to remember what she taught me, and i really just feel that im beginning to wake up and open my eyes. .. slowly but hopefully eventually. <3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tammy's Sister
Date: Jul 27, 2006 9:37 AM

i'm so glad to hear that!!

you had lost yourself somewhere along the way...but the most important thing is that you found yourself and you are gonna change...yeah you've been sounding very sad and depressed lately...and i know for a fact that, that isn't you. i miss the old jen...and i know if tammy were looking down at u...she would be like fucken jen!! and make sure your little tiny skinny ass wakes up.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lil Jen-nie
Date: Jul 27, 2006 9:32 AM

YEA WE HAD THIS WAY OF THINKING..
"LIFES TOO SHORT TO BE PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME"
AND WE WERE FINE W/ DIEING AS LONG AS WE KNEW THAT EACHDAY WE ATLEAST MADE THE MOST OF IT
AND HAD FUN AND WERE HAPPY
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED TO US
U KNOW?
AND SO. THAT'S HOW WE DID IT.
ITS ALL ABOUT POSITIVITY AND JUST LIVING YOUR LIFE HAPPY AND MAKE THE MOST OUT OF IT EVERYDAY...
AND BASICALLY JUST HAVE FUN EVERYDAY.
NEW THINGS .. U KNOW?

WOW I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT ALLOTTA THINGS..
FLORA I FEEL LIKE I'VE HAD MY LIFE ON PAUSE SINCE THE ACCIDENT
AND LATELY.. I FEEL LIKE IM BEGINNNING TO WAKE UP..

LIKE THE WAY TAMMY AND I WERE .... ITS ALL COMING BACK TO ME
OR JUST... THE WAY I WAS BEFORE.. U KNOW?
... BUT THE HAPPY ME..
ITS...GOOD... ITS INTERESTING
I FEEL LIKE IM WAKING UP ... FINALLY..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tammy's Sister
Date: Jul 27, 2006 9:26 AM

yeah i miss her silly ass toooo....she was so happy and full of life...i was like why would she be so happy all the time...i just didn't get it. i hardly ever seen her mad or sad....it was weird...i'm glad she had a happy life.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lil Jen-nie
Date: Jul 27, 2006 9:21 AM

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN

OMG FLORA
ITS BEEN HITTING ME SOO HARD LATELY
AND THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T GO TO CONNIES THE OTHER DAY
I DIDN'T WANT TO BREAK DOWN IN FRONT OF HER
I WAS ABOUT TO ASK TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW
B/C I SRSLY CAN'T TAKE IT SOMETIMES
='[
IDK... I MISS HER SOOO MUCH ='[[[

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tammy's Sister
Date: Jul 27, 2006 9:07 AM

wow...i wish i could have some dreams about her. i'm glad one of us is though. =)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lil Jen-nie
Date: Jul 27, 2006 8:18 AM

well it was complicatin just like the rest you know
but i just remember something about being in school
and her ...i guess she had passed away b/c we were all sad u know?
but then idk.. b/c

ok well we were all sad b/c she's gone you know?
and i guess we were watching a video of her
and in the video she was in the background laughing and it was probably when she was like a ... jr?
Then i was like see She's still the same ..
like she still carries the same style today

which is funny b/c i always wonder ... "i wonder what her styles like now? or what it would have been like ? or what new music she'd be into... etc."

So that was cute to see.
i dunno
do i make any sense?

i dunno but she looked really happy <3

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tammy's Sister
Date: Jul 26, 2006 6:54 PM

wow what was this one about???

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lil Jen-nie

I had another dream the other night of tammy
two in a row <33

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 18:12:47 GMT

Friday: Show at the teen center. It was fun for the most part. It was soo funny to watch the lil red head head banger kid mosh. ahaha He's wayy raaad he made my night. haha
Sat.: Went to the sk8 park for the memorial thingy for a lil.
Then went to al's took a nap while he played guitar. Went to his aunts bbq. It was fun. I love his family. Went to al's. We drew and colored together <3
hmm.yea
Sun: Woke up and had breakfast w/ family. Went to church and went to visit my grandma guerra. They have the cutest puppies there. <3
Home..celebrated Cynthia's b-day. Had a bbq. al came over and it was the cutest thing Ever..Him and my lil Sis drew eachother pictures. Win my heart over .. 8]
♥ Yea i love em.
O yea we also went for a bike ride. mmhmm and yea.. =]
basically that's my weekend... i think... well from what i can remember.

eww today... sandwhich? not really diggin it.. o well i was hungry
...and maybe show tonight??

ugh. i srsly hate how i complain and complain about my weight and yet... i get bored and That's the only thing i do. I need to find a way to not get bored so easily.
Well i guess i wont have that prob. no more b/c im going to go back to school full time, work 24 hrs a week for longs, work @ whs every now and then...
i shouldn't have that problem.
but i bet ill have more and possilby the contrary of my issue now...
deng..we'll see...
Ps. REally bored at the moment.....

today

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 16:53:28 GMT

ugh so we didn't get our baby yesterday
we will today, i hope 8]
i can't wait for next tuesday 8]]= last day at this job
-$$$ being broke is going to suck though
o well
i miss having a life
Note to self: You srsly! were sooo bored and wanted to shoot yourself at times while here. Dont come back. Work hard and get your degrees!
few!
anyway, im pumped 'cause im gonna go w/ Geno to go see Comeback Kid, but i dont want to jinx it and God plz don't jinx it.. i really wanna go.
its been weird lately i've been having dreams w/ tammy ..of tammy?
i dunno confusing.
umm.. yea..ill edit and write more later... maybe...

yey.. its bagel tuesday =]]]

TODAY

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:48:19 GMT

ALEX AND I ARE GETTING OUR BABY 8]
IM SO EXCITED xD.♥

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 21:53:22 GMT

I wish life were perfect
i wish i were perfect
i wish Everyone would be happy
i wish i were rich
i wish....too many things

anyway, this weekend...
some parts sucked some parts cool
friday:
hung out w/ brittney
pretty fun 8]
picked up aimee
went to the show
thought it was cute how all of julios family came by..
i didn't expect that at all
his lil bro is the cutest thing ever though <3
and Jenna and Paul better not Ever split up
i need someone to look up to
lol
i <3 them
Aimee rules and made my night <3
Went to get josh
got lost
got lost got Xtremely scared ..
drove around and talked
Sleepover w/ Diana, Dora, Joanie, Leslie, Josh and Nancy <333

soo much fun
Sat. woke up
felt like going home
went for a walk
met up w/ al
walked and got a blister
saw this wedding carriage that was The Awesomest thing i've Ever seen =[ i want that for mine
al came over and watched movies w/ my sleepy mom
ha
sunday
had breakfast w/ family
went to the boardwalk
it was fun
got dropped off at als
fun <3
Monday
called in
slept for a while
got up drank coffee
watched will and grace
finally got up cleaned showered
al came over and played w/ lizzy on the x box
lol <3333
Wrestled alex and now my neck hurts mother fuker!
and I accomiplished zippo!
good job Jen
you're great!
=/
O well... Today, Work, Ate a lot.
routine life sux
i Need $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I need to figure out what i want and what i need to do
and just ah!!!
frustrated

Last night..

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 16:31:57 GMT

Was awesome ♥
It reminded me of that movie Now and Then
It was trippy to see all of my freinds again..
I hadn't seen them in soo long
7 of us 8 if Brianna wasn't in Hawaii
Last Night:
Girls Night & Freind Reunion
God since High School.. It's just not the same..It's so hard to work around Everyone's schedule to just get together now.
Everyone has school, work , b/f's and stuff to do...
Busy..
So it was Awesome
The whole group Made It 8]
Leslie- we hadn't seen her in over a yr.
Nancy- was down from SD
then of course Diana, Dora, Joanie and Kara..
It was great Reminecing, Catching up..
It was good stuff
Fun.. We went to Olive Garden .. We hadn't been there since our last freind reunion .. and Tammy had joined us that time ♥
It was fun/funny =]
Then we went to Diana's & Dora's
We all chilled and talked forever
It was awesome Period! ♥

eww.. i look xtremely funny yuk but o well. i love that we're all there <3
Life is good right now...and plz plz god dont take it away...
its ok right now
lets keep it that way.. plz

and yea pretty much...
now im sippin my starbux which i prob. shouldn't have bought b/c i've got 0 to be spending..idk..im dumb...
waiting for al to wake up 8]
Ps. reminder jen... al woke me up and it was cute =]hehe